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I never enjoyed it when my husband went down on me – and since my divorce I have turned down offers from two lovers
I never enjoyed oral sex with my ex-husband, who was my only romantic partner in 40 years. Since my divorce, I have had sex with a couple of men, both of whom wanted to perform oral sex on me. This is something I have never felt comfortable with. Is it me? I feel I can never be clean enough, or that I may smell. Friends tell me it is awesome, and I do want the best sex with my new partners, but I worry that there is something wrong with me.
There is no law that says you have to like everything. You do not have to accept a sexual behaviour just because it is enjoyed by friends, or popularised in movies. Focus on the things you enjoy, and teach your partner what they are – and exactly how. Most men are aroused by their partner’s enjoyment, so share your passions fully and genuinely. Sex is too important to be tarnished by pretence. You deserve more than a sex life marred by faking and disappointment.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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