Muristek
From how to cross a road, to what length hair should be, I officially know nothing. Ditto anything to do with vegetarianism, computers, animal husbandry, Ukraine …
First your children idolise you, then they see through you, then they forgive you. That’s how the parenting cliche goes. I remember when I first read it. The kids were really small, and I’d stolen 25 seconds from the ceaselessness to look at Twitter, which was all I ever looked at then. Before long, two sentences came to represent the absolute outer limit of my concentration span, and that, I’m afraid, is still true. The end of idolisation can’t come soon enough, I thought. Roll on seeing through me, bring forth scornful self-reliance. Sure, it will be sad when the magic of childhood is replaced by the cynicism of adolescence, but on the plus side, at least they’ll be able to travel unaided to the toilet.
I maybe didn’t give enough thought to what the process of being seen through would entail. It starts with the systematic, real-time dismantling of all authority. These are all the things I’m no longer to be trusted on, as of this weekend: what length hair should be; where to play badminton; which of geography and history is more interesting; categories of skin type (“oily” and “combination” are no longer in use, in the 21st century); anything to do with vegetarianism, or Ukraine, or animal husbandry; computers and phones; how to cross a road; the world of work; and the identification of insects. I didn’t even realise how much casual authority I had until it was all stripped away. I think I debased the currency by having too many strong opinions. Now I could have a full wheelbarrow of views and it wouldn’t buy me even a single slice of credibility.
Zoe Williams is a Guardian columnist
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