Muristek
A moment that changed me: having a baby in lockdown nearly broke me – but it made me face my depression
After my son was born, I lost the ability to cope. But seeking help opened my eyes to other issues I had long silently lived with
I discovered I was pregnant unexpectedly, in November 2019. My body quickly began to make it clear that my experience was not going to match society’s dominant image of a glowing, happy and relaxed pregnancy. After almost five months of constant nausea – which felt as if I was trying to hide my worst hangover every single day – I hit what I thought was rock bottom. I turned to Google for an answer to my question: “Is it normal to feel miserable when you’re pregnant?” and realised that I ticked all the boxes for antenatal depression. There was a slight sense of relief that I wasn’t the first person to feel like this. But the problem felt too big for me to deal with, and too jarring with what was expected – happiness and smiles – for me to seek any help.
In March, the nausea finally began to subside, and that was enough for me to shrug off my suspicions of depression. I returned to my weekly dance class and was hopeful I could finally get back to being me. Then, on 23 March, we entered lockdown. I spent the next three months seeing virtually no one apart from my partner. I wandered around Tottenham Marshes and managed two garden meet-ups with my mum.
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